"How fine yo...

"How fine you look when dressed in rage. Your enemies are fortunate that your condition is not permanent. And you're lucky too, red eye suit so few."
n'uff said

quizzies

Your Boss Battle
LJ Username Your Armor Are You Ready? ( Not that it matters =D ) This is who you fight~! *GASP* poolsofbloodWill You Do Well? (8) - Yes - definitely. - (8)Your EXP for winning 8960Amount of gold you recieve $9,645.43Your fight is ranked at this level - 62%This person cheered on both of you zeglassgoth
This quiz by Knight Of Death - Taken 70 Times.</a>

...

I don't know why it dawned on me to update my journal all of a sudden, but I wanted to post the fetuses that I've known about... FOREVER but just never really knew of a place to put them so here it is. My adopted fetuses:I adopted a cute lil' fairy fetusfrom Fetusmart! Hooray fetus! I adopted a cute lil' kitty fetusfrom Fetusmart! Hooray fetus! I adopted a cute lil' tempura fetusfrom Fetusmart! mm..yummy. I had popcorn shrimp once when I was young...I adopted a cute lil' monkey fetusfrom Fetusmart! Hooray fetus! yay, fetusy goodness. I too own something in a jar, but it's not a fetus, it's an old bat that flew into my grandparents house back when my aunt lived there and was going to high school and it died in the sun room. She took it to school and got it all fixed up with fermaldahyde. And now I have it in my room. His name is Herman.

I...

I finally got Daniel to sign my yearbook. I was in a hurry because my parents were picking me up. So I handed it to him with a handful of pens asking him to sign. Now I have a nice large space in the back cover filled with large silver Sharpie that reads: "Hey Amanda, Thanks for sending me so many funny forwards. -Daniel Pendergrass" but his name really looks like it says "David Pez" or maybe "David Peody" or something like that. Is that what really comes to mind when he thinks of me? that's the first and most important thing? What about all the fun times we've had at the coffee shop, at school, at the library, with friends, playing Silent Hill? 2 years of knowing eachother and the first thing he thinks of is forwarding emails which I can say I've only done once recently and that was the one on love, which I might add, was very cute and I wanted to make people smile. But still, I'm really really disappointed with what he wrote. I would have thought that since he's leaving that he'd write something longer and more meaningful (and take the time to sign his name right). I dunno, maybe it's just because I wrote a page and he wrote a sentence. Mine was heartfelt and his just seemed kinda spur of the moment... You've heard what he wrote to me, this is what I wrote to him, I wrote it down ahead of time so I wouldn't have to think of it off the top of my head when the time came around. Dear Daniel (Curious D), This has been a wonderful year. I think it's a shame that we only got 2 years to get to know eachother. You have taught me so much over the past year or so. I don't want to see you go but I know that wherever you go, you will be sharing your wonderful personality and wisdom to others. I know you probably don't believe it, but what you say really can make a difference in peoples' lives. It certainly did in mine. I know that you will succeed in whatever you choose to do in your life. You just have to believe in yourself. Things may seem dark and hopeless at times, but there is always a ray of light that will find you if you let it. And don't be afraid to borrow someone else's light when you need it. Remember that everything will be okay in the end, and if it's not okay then it's not the end. I'll always hav an open ear and an open mind if you want to talk. And though I don't understand everything you've said to me, perhaps someday I will. And the same goes for you. So be nice to yourself, let your spirit soar free, and follow your heart (or gut instinct). Stay safe in Israel. I hope you never forget me, I certainly wont forget you. Perhaps our paths will cross again sometime... But until then...-Amanda L.V. (I wrote my actual name when I wrote it)" Now compare that to his thing about the email. I would have written this much anyways even if I didn't feel the way that I do about him. He's my friend and that's the only thing that matters. But am I his friend? he certainly doesn't act like it some of the time. In other news, today was the last day of school, i had my history and algebra 2 final today. I went over to spanish class to watch our movie since I was sharing with Ali and Alia but Alia forgot the edited tape at her dad's house. So Mrs.Davis gave me permission to leave campus to walk about a mile round trip to Alia's mom's house to download the edited movie and print out the script. I turned that in and did my history project in class, and spent about 40 minutes walking to and from Alia's house, out of my 2 hours. I admit that I broke a couple of laws for the school and for the legal system and the of coutesy. I left campus without an off grounds permit, my teacher gave me permission to leave and didn't give me a note because it was already against the rules, I went into Alia's house while her parents weren't home, I used their computer without asking, thoguh Alia said okay, but still. It was awkward, but I got it done for both classes and didn't fail hopefully. Also, I went to graduation, it was nice. But i'm going to miss my friends. Daniel was going to take Mindy out afterwards but she's going to grad night and I don't know if he's going too. I was glad to see some of my friends all happy and cheering for them. Ali had a pool party and me and Ashley were the only ones to show up but we had fun. I'm still upset about the Daniel thing. I know that it's a small thing, but to me those are the things that matter the most. I guess he didn't really think what the impact would be, I mean I know it's just a yearbook thing, but this is how I'm going to remember him when I'm older, and I don't want to remember him that way as someone who doesn't value or remember good times, I don't want to remember him as David Peozy. I want to remember the good things about him, and I wish that for once he'd exert effort into the idea of the signing, and making a person feel like an actual valued friend. I'm exhausted from staying up late all week, walking so much today, it's late, and from the film on my eyes from crying earlier today. My eyes are starting to roll and I feel delerious. I'm having trouble reding now. I don't know if I'm making any sense, I'm quite delerious right now...

I never up...

I never update this thing. And I guess that I don't give a shit if Gianni's stalkin me an reading it anymore. I'm only going to put a few entries as friends only because no one reads this thing anyways so I could probably just go alsdkfja;sditjupasidjoa;irhj ara547354684541aild~que? on here and then post some annoying shit or porn or something and no one would notice. But I don't care. It's my journal. It was free (unlike a certain simila journaling site that happens to be sort of undead). I can do whatever I want. But right now you know what I really want to do? I was cleaning out my emails in my account today because I've got 6MB of emails on there and should clean out soon. Though i can say that I deleted a whole MB of crap that I found in the corner from Gianni, I can say that I found more to delete and was able to bring the usage down to about 5.9MB, (wow, such difference). But I figured I'd do one of those wierd ass surveys that we used to pass around when I was a freshmen. It was supposed to make us get to know eachother better, but it just added to some nice misconceptions and stereotyping and useless info that you bring up later and people get really creeped out. But yeah. ------------------GENERAL INFO------------------*Starting Time: 9:49*Date: June 10, 2004*Name: Amanda Lyn Vivrette*Nicknames: manda, serenity rose, she of a thousand sorrows, pest, leech, disease to mankind, that gothic chick, silent #17, Sphyrna Lewini, satan, little gianni (fuckers), macarena, Mandy, George, Cupcake, beast, Temperence C.*Birthday: October 30, 1988*School : SHHS*E-mail: IThinkIMadeAPoopie@poop.com*hair: Right now it's dark brown but I'd like it to be black and blue like sera rose*Height: 5' 2"*Brothers/Sisters: none*When is your bedtime? whenever I feel like it or whenever my dad comes out to yell at me for being up late. Basically between 12 and 2AM------------------HAVE YOU EVER------------------* Ever been so drunk you blacked out: never* Missed school Bus: never lived far enough away to take the bus* Put a body part on fire for amusement: no...* Been hurt emotionally: hmmm I wonder... no shit.* Kept a secret from everyone: Yes.* Had an imaginary friend: I was too much of a realist/cynic as a child so no* Wanted to hook up with a friend: Yes...* Cried during a Movie: Yes.* Had a crush on a teacher: no. that would be gross* Ever thought an animated character was hot: oh yeah!* Had a New Kids on the Block tape: um...* Been on stage: chorus, drama, violin and piano* Cut your hair: I was 5. Then in 4th grade I think, I trimmed my eyebrows... yeah... I looked... great* Been sarcastic: you've got to be kidding (Tak voice)------------------FAVORITES------------------* Shampoo: Back to Basics: Green Tea* Soap: this Camomile and Wildflower stuff that I have (mmmm, I smell good ^_^)* Color: blue, I also like some bright to dark reds and of course black (which goes with nearly everthing)* Day/Night: Night* Summer/winter: Autumn* Music: I like lots of stuff, ambient, hard rock, alternative, techno, it goes on, I don't bother to memorize genres* Lace or satin: satin :)* Cartoon Character: Raven from Teen Titans* Fave salad: just a nice regular one with ranch* Fave Ice Cream: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough :p* Fave Subject: Math and Science. I like drama too* People you talk to online: Caree, Shorty, Daniel, Eric, Alia, Ali, Serina, Lauren (thegreenmooseofdoom), Karen, Josh, Ashley, Elaniah Caster (Desta), Aaron, and occationally Kenny. * Wearing: My cherry dress that my mom made me (with the straps falling down because no one is here to watch me), and fishnet stalkings* Hair is: Messy, and growing farther into my face everyday. In desperate need of bleaching and dying. * I'm feeling: kinda crappy, I don't feel well, and I'm depressed and kinda self-doubting * Eating: lovely lovely spit* Drinking: the "perfectly safe" tap water* Thinkin bout: a couple of people, and tomorrow* Talking to: no one, I'm appearing offline so I don't have to talk to people* Watching: for movement outside in the bushes----IN THE LAST 24 HRS HAVE YOU------------------* Cried: yes, and I've been damn close several times as well* Worn a skirt: yes* Met someone new: right...* Cleaned your room: last 24 hours? try 24 months +* Drove a car: I wish I could...---------------DO YOU BELIEVE IN------------------* Yourself: pft, who the hell do you think i am?* Your friends: yes, I believe strongly in all of them and support them, just some more than others. I believe in them but I don't believe all of them...* Santa Claus: no, ali told me he wasn't real when I was 11* Tooth fairy: no, he only came a few days later when I told my parents that I had lost a tooth....* Destiny/Fate: I guess. i mean I think it can be changed, but I believe some things were meant to happen and some people were meant to meet* Angels: Yes.* Ghosts: I guess* UFO's: yup, mom's UFO. She gets me up at 5 AM "look honey, it's my UFO, it's blinking and flickering" "mom, that's venus" then i go back to bed.* God: Yes, very strongly* Grinch: You mean Jocelyn?----------FRIENDS AND LIFE------------------* Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend: no...* Like anyone?: I don't really like people, that would imply a crush. I don't do crushes, they're superficial and centered on looks or popularity. However, I do care for people, or fancy them if you will. (something strange just happened, it smells like fly repellent or the makeup I used to wear when I'd play dress up as a little kid, wierd)neways* Who have you known the longest of your friends: Ali * Who's the loudest: Ashley can be at times* Who's the shyest: mindy or Liz* Who's the weirdest: shorty or eric* Who do you go to for advice? well I used to go to Daniel for advice but lately he's been taking my questions of advice as complaints and just telling me that I should shut up and stop whining and just fix it myself (because it's so easy)* Who do you cry with: myself... and my pillow* What's the best feeling in the world: Feeling wanted and loved or being in love or maybe just happiness or contentment to the point of bliss and floatyness...* Worst Feeling: Betrayal or being unwanted, hated, unloved* Who will respond to this email fastest: this isn't an email* Who sent this to you: gianni, daniel, shorty, ali, alia, zelea, and a few other people 2 years ago...* Do you want all your friends to do this and send it back: no* Finish time: 10:19PMNext Survery, I made this one myself<-------Right Now---------> Name: Amanda L. Vivrette Nicknames: Mandy, George, Satan, Cupcake, beast, pest, TGCAlias': Macarena Vivrette, Sphyrna Lewini, Dionaea Muscipula Birthday: 10/30/88 Age: 15.5Starting time: 10:20 PM What music are you listening to right now: To Die For by The Birthday MassacreWhat are you eating/drinking: Chocolate Chip cookiesHair Color: Dark BrownEye Color: Green with hazel in the centerBed time: Whenever I feel like it or when my dad comes out to yell at me. Usually between 12 and 2Personal Motto: Live forever or die trying Height: 5'2" Thinkin about: My final tomorrow, and some things that I have planned to do with people over the next weekTalking to: No one at allFeeling: Tired and Depressed and cold <------Do you believe in-------> Santa: sorta or at least used to, he drank a whole bottle of whisky and half a bottle of margarita mix that I left out for him!Angels: yes, definately. They walk amung us every day.God: YesHeaven: can't say, I'm not dead yet Hell: yes, it's full of purple fire, and it disturbs me, though life is a living hell The Devil: unfortunately yes, and he likes to take on the forms of people (mostly males) that I know and bother me Ghosts: yes, Goldie lives upstairsAliens: Why is my ass beeping again?Destiny: yes Yourself: ha, what do you think? Monsters: you mean me when I get out of bed in the morining? Vampires: yes, Laural thinks I'm one Good Dreams come true: hasn't so far Bad Dreams come true: yes, everyday Life after death: yes, sort of<-------Favorites-------> Song(s): Right now I'm really into A Warm Place by Nine Inch Nails Music Group/Singer(s): I dunno, The Birthday Massacre?CD(s): Thirteenth Step?Color(s): Blues, bright to dark reds, blackCar(s): I dunno, I don't care. TV show(s): Osbourns, Simpsons, Invader Zim, Pie/cake(s): Lemon Merange Food(s): Can't really say, I don't really eat anymoreDrink(s): Cherry Coke Website: magichateball.com Time of Day: Night time/after midnight Time of Year: fall Relative: Cousins John or AaronShampooh: Back to Basics Green Tea Soap: dunno, anything that smells good and doesn't make me break out.Ice Cream: Rootbeer float or cafe almond fudge Best Dream(s) ever: When I found like $2000 on the ground in small bills!Worst Dream(s) ever: 1st there is when the satanists who have the faces of all of these people I know and trust are putting me up as a sacrafice, 2nd finding the gates to hell in my living room (you know, nothing really emotionally damaging (sarcasm)) Movie: Men in Black or Waking Life Thing to do when bored: fill out surveys while humming the Tetris song Animal: Penguins! <--------How long has it been since you last...-----------> Cried: 3 hours Met someone new: i dunno 6 hours?Sent an email: 4 hoursBathed (stinky!): 40 minutesSmoked: never, I have bad enough lungs already Ate: a few hours Watched TV: 0Cleaned your room: 3-5+ years Chewed gum: 4 days I think Went Shopping: dun knowTripped and fell on your face: a few days now, I'm on a roll! Were actually genuinely nice to someone: dunno a few hoursYelled at a homless person: a few days Fell out of your chair: 2 months now wahoo! Walked into a poll, door, pillar, or other hard surface while distracted by something: 3weeks now, another personal record! Set yourself on fire: a day or so... Stared at somone without realizing it: 0 days Talked to your imaginary friend: 3 years, thats when he had the accident and we put him out of his misery...Been Sarcastic: 0 minutes Woke up: 16.5 hours Expirienced Deja Vous: 2 Days Felt Happy: 6 hoursFelt Sad: 0 minutes Felt Physical pain: 0 minutes Felt Emotional Pain: 0 minutes Painted your nails (yes, guys too): 0 daysSaw a UFO in the sky: 2 daysSaw a shooting star: 2weeksWere abducted by aliens: a few daysFilled out another weird survey that your friend sent you: 0 minutes Stop time: 12:28I just got an idea for a name for a band. You could call your band "That one Band" or "I Don't Remember Who It's By" tee hee

love and all that good stuffs

this is how I feel today. Right now at least. ashley sent me this in an email with cynical commentary1. At least 2 people in this world love you so much they would die for you 2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way. 3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.(right..) 4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you. 5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.(that's only because he's jacking off and passes out afterwards...) 6. You mean the world to someone.(somehow I doubt that) 7. If not for you, someone may not be living. 8. You are special and unique.(just like everybody else) 9. Someone that you don't even know exists, loves you.(is that so? I think they have a word for that: stalker) 10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it. 11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.(I didn't know there was a back to a sphere...) 12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it. 13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks 14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.(tell me about it) 15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great. Send this to ten people and tonight at midnight your true love will find you.Something good will happen to you at 2:25 tomorrow. Get ready for the biggest shock of your life. Whoever breaks this chain letter will be cursed with 10 relationship problems for the next ten years.Tomorrow is National Kiss Day. (any relation to the spark.com's national "have sex month"?)If you send 15 people this! in 15 Minutes you're safe! for the record, nothing special happened to me at midnight. also, um, bravenet.com has the little icony thingy I just used. Yeah, they have cute stuff and I don't want them to kill me so yeah, I credited them.

shitzip, ...

shitzip, it's been a while since I updated on here or even really checked it... I had to go through 4 pages of friends entries to get to where I finally regocnized what was going on. I never realized that the A Perfect Circle community updated so much... I went to their concert last night, it was kick ass, 3 Libras sounded wonderful. Daniel was singing along with some of the songs, he has a really good voice... We were all singing along, Of course, i couldn't hear myself so I didn't sing very loud since when that happens despite usually being able to hold a correct note since I know how it feels in my throat, I didn't want to be all shitty. We got to sit up on the balcony and watch after being on the floor and having to move. I filled out a survey. I dunno, I don't have that much to say that's focused on one thing right now so here I am, see y'all later I guess. ----------------------------------The Generic Teenager StereotypeDo you drink [alcohol]?: noDo you party a lot? How often?: not really, once a year or maybe even more... I don't get invited to parties that much...Do you use drugs for recreational purposes?: noHow often do you use the word like in an average hour?: I never really (like) counted (like ya know) lol. Not as much as other people thoughDo you skip classes? How often?: never really, unless I have a reason to, but those are excusedDo you have casual sex? Protected?: no, -->virgin<-- Do you steal?: noDo you wear inappropriate clothing?: for my mom, no, for everyone else under 40 yesDo you drool over celebrities?: not anymore, I'm past that kind of obsessionDo you watch a lot of TV?: only during the summer, and that's only because there's nothing else to do at 3AMDo you ever watch the News?: only when I'm forced to in school or if mom's watching it, otherwise noDo you even care about world issues?: to some extent, in a generalized wayDo you read books often?: when I get the chance to and it's a good bookAre you failing a lot of your classes?: my lowest grade in a class ever was a C+ in 6th grade English, and I still criedDo you spend most of your time with your friends?: almost every minute that I get the chance toDo you smoke cigarettes?: no, and I'm asthmaticDo you hang out a lot in malls, or at Seven Elevens?: I don't hang out there, but I like to go there if I have moneyDo you often find yourself with a crush on someone?: I don't do crushes anymore, I think they're petty and stupid and revolving soley on looksDo you cuss a lot?: fuck yeahAre you desperate to fit in?: desperate in a to myself kinda way. I try not to make it obvious but yes, amung my friends at leastAre you intelligent?: yesThe Goth StereotypeBlack lipstick?: on occasionBlack eyeliner?: everydayBlack eyeshadow?: very often, there is an abundence of it in the bathroom and it goes with everythingBlack trenchcoat?: a coat yes, not trench... I want one thoughBlack boots?: when it's not too hotBlack fishnets?: when I wear a skirt or run out of socksBlack nail polish?: sometimesCigarettes?: no, asthmatic rememberHeavy metal music?: tool? I supposeMarilyn Manson?: on occation, when i feel like itKittie?: as in an actual animal? yesh, 2 ^_^Cradle of Filth?: um... I don't understandConstant frown and perpetual angst?: more like constant pout or :( but not always purposely. Less so now than before, and yes that applies to angst tooAre you an intellectual?: I consider myself oneAn atheist?: noHorrible home life?: only sometimesHopelessly depressed?: mostly just when I was with Gianni, not now though, Suffering with suicidal idealations?: not since I broke up with Gianni, though there was this one time but that wasn't serious, just a thoughtSelf-mutilation?: not past scratching myself and kicking a recycling bin enough to rip off the side of my toeThe Punk StereotypePlaid?: noBig black boots?: yesMohawk?: noExcessive piercings? [Especially facial]: just earsLoud, confident and opinionated?: not too loud anymore, confident no, opinionate veryWild hair colors?: just blueNOFX?: noRancid?: noWell versed on political scandals and outrages?: only someAnarchy: lol, I can't say I like our government but I am confident that if I stay out of their way and vote when i can that I'll be fineThe Jock StereotypeWhat's your IQ?: between 120 and 127Do you watch a lot of sports?: only during the olympic gamesPlay a lot of sports?: I like badminton and swimming but no, I'm fat and asthmaticTalk a lot about sports?: not reallyDo you do anything, really, but think about sports?: yesAre you arrogant?: I try not to beAre you a male or female whore?: um... no... Are you homophobic?: lmfao, that's funny, noDo you tease other people a lot because you want to seem confident?: noBut really you're a quivering mass of insecurity?: hell yeahBoobs = yes?: yes, i own a pair, they were a standard optionParties = yes?: do I really need to answer this again, no, no one wants to invite me to parites alreadyDropping out of high school and flipping burgers = yes?: no, but bill gates calls burger flipping and opportunityThe Girl StereotypeDo you spend a lot of time on your appearance?: not as much as others, but I do care about itHave you ever been on a diet?: not purposely by my own doing but yes if anxiety attacks and loss of appetite countHow much did you lose?: 35lbs I think, about that, maybe 40Was it not so much a diet as it was an eating disorder?: anxiety disorder Make yourself throw up?: noMake-up?: eyeliner, most of the time shadow, and on hot days medium powder to disguise oil on my face and the bags under my eyesLow-cut tops?: don't own any other than tanks, but I like themHow big are your boobies? [Cup size]: BDo you flip your hair when you talk, even if you don't realize it?: noGiggle a lot?: noWhat's the deal with boys?: I dunno, they're pretty and a good one is hard to findThongs?: skip that, commando ;) lol, no, really, noPretty bras?: I like them, but I don't have enough money to shop at victoria's secretYM, Teen, Cosmo, et al?: only for tips on how to excercise, look for colleges, and to cut out for collagesWho's the weaker sex?: lets see, you can kick them in the crotch, and they don't live as long... BOYS duh (lmao)Are you a feminist?: to a good extent, not militant thoughDo you think Brad Pitt is hot?: he's okayHow often do you shave your legs?: as often as needed to look presentableHow about your armpits?: same as above or once a week if the opportunity doesn't come up, it'll be more in the summer thoughAre you emotional?: yes, overly I've been toldEspecially when on your period?: I've never noticed signifigant differenceThis Or That [Oh, that old coconut.]Originality or Acceptance?: OriginalityIndependence or Companionship?: I like companionship but I can be independent just as easilyStability or Freedom?: a little of bothPersonal or Interpersonal?: personalIntrovert or Extrovert?: extrovertPopularity or Isolation?: aren't those a bit extremeUnique or Loved?: loved definatelyUnderstood or Individual?: bothYou or Them?: You-------------------------------------I feel nothing

FAIRY TALE...

FAIRY TALEnce upon a time there has a young BAGBOY named DANIEL. He was QUICKLY DANCING in the DEAD forest when he met BEAUTIFUL ERIC, a run-away EPIDEMIOLOGIST from the GLORIOUS Queen SPHYRNA.DANIEL could see that BEAUTIFUL ERIC was hungry so he reached into his KNAPSACKY PURSE THING and give him his LIME-FLAVOURED BARBEQUE FUNYONS WITH CHEESE. BEAUTIFUL ERIC was thankful for DANIEL's BARBEQUE FUNYONS WITH CHEESE, so he told DANIEL a very KICKASS story about Queen SPHYRNA's daughter AMANDA. How her mother, the GLORIOUS Queen SPHYRNA, kept her locked away in a GARAGE protected by a gigantic PENGUIN, because AMANDA was so LOVELY.DANIEL TOOK A SWIG OF BERRYCRAP JUICE. He vowed to BEAUTIFUL ERIC the EPIDEMIOLOGIST that he would save the LOVELY AMANDA. He would FUCK the PENGUIN, and take AMANDA far away from her eveil mother, the GLORIOUS Queen SPHYRNA, and POOP her.Then, all of the sudden, there was a GREAT AVALANCH and BEAUTIFUL ERIC the EPIDEMIOLOGIST began to laugh. With a puff of smoke he turned into the gigantic PENGUIN from his story. GLORIOUS Queen SPHYRNA SKIDDED out from behind a DEPLETED URANIUM BEHOLDER STATUET and struck DANIEL dead. In the far off GARAGE you could hear a ZAP.THE END.Make your own Fairy Tale at fuali.comI uh... *runs away and hides* tee hee, I did this before a while ago, the penguin was going to be fucked then as well. There were also BBQ Funyons involved as well.

lessons learned

I'm feeling a bit better today. I now have a part in the play which helps a bit but I know that Daniel's going to be all "ya happy now?" and angry and all. How am I ever going to get back to good terms with him? *sigh* they complain about how I'm never happy. Well after tasting happiness for that short time, I don't want to lose it again. And I couldn't be happy where I was before. Now I am moderately happy, content more like it. But I still feel bad about things. But for now I'm happy. Daniel will recover. He will be forgiven (but not forgotten) and things will hopefully go back to normal. But that will have to wait until he can cool down and jump off the mountain, because in the metaphor that Drizzt once put it, "The climb to the top of the mountain of personal pride is a lonely, glorious, climb with fewer and fewer hand and foot holds where the gusts of wind blow hard and the higher you go the longer you'll fall and eventually you will fall just like everyone else" I think that would be my advice for him. Not that he'd listen. This will have to be a lesson that he learns on his own. In the mean time, I will be here. With open arms, welcoming eventually, ready to forgive, but until then "you don't see me, you don't see me, you don't see me at all"

I feel so shitty right now

I don't think I've felt this level of despair since I was with Gianni, I haven't contemplated suicide since then, I haven't cried this much. Don't worry, I'm not going to kill myself. But you know I wish I could disappear right now. And I can honestly say that I think that maybe if I just went away or disappeared that my friends would be a lot happier and things would be good. I wish I could move away and find better friend who would value me and my opinion. Maybe find someone who would give a shit... I feel so alone right now. Why hasn't someone killed me by now? it would be in mercy. thatgothicchick (9:30:37 PM): hellofickle opiate (9:31:00 PM): heythatgothicchick (9:31:09 PM): how are you?fickle opiate (9:31:26 PM): fine, and youthatgothicchick (9:31:41 PM): pretty good, still tired and achy but ya know, it's all goodfickle opiate (9:32:00 PM): mehfickle opiate (9:32:01 PM): hehethatgothicchick (9:32:13 PM): how was class?fickle opiate (9:32:46 PM): dumb, it was an examthatgothicchick (9:33:14 PM): aww, I'm sorryfickle opiate (9:33:32 PM): mehfickle opiate (9:33:36 PM): dun carethatgothicchick (9:35:15 PM): well, anywaysthatgothicchick (9:35:20 PM): lets talk about the playfickle opiate (9:36:28 PM): okfickle opiate (9:36:32 PM): wut do ya wanna knowfickle opiate (9:37:22 PM): helo?thatgothicchick (9:37:51 PM): well it's more of a discuss than knowthatgothicchick (9:38:33 PM): I was thinking about how I still don't ahve a partthatgothicchick (9:38:48 PM): and I feel really guilty if you wrote a part jsut to fit me in at the end or somethingthatgothicchick (9:38:54 PM): so I dunno what to dothatgothicchick (9:38:58 PM): because I really like the playthatgothicchick (9:39:01 PM): and want to be in itthatgothicchick (9:39:15 PM): but it seems like every possible way out includes tons of guilt that I feelfickle opiate (9:40:25 PM): well truely amanda, i did not have the intention to write another part for you, i thought that since you didn't take it like everyone else, that i mean, i wasn't gonna go way out of my way just for you, but i have to, per miss spooners request, and i will, but i cannot say it is going to be large considering all that i have already done, i am sorrythatgothicchick (9:41:04 PM): I know, I didn't expect you to write something extra nor did I really want you tothatgothicchick (9:41:09 PM): but I just don't know what to dothatgothicchick (9:41:16 PM): I was takling to raquel about it todaythatgothicchick (9:41:37 PM): she suggested that I just tell you if there were any parts that I liked and then I could talk to the people who had them and offer up a trade or somethingfickle opiate (9:42:03 PM): well considering i already cast those that fit best into the parts, nope, i mean, i am sorryfickle opiate (9:42:24 PM): but that is just how this one is going to go, i was going to make you a knight of some sort in the Queens brigadethatgothicchick (9:43:03 PM): oh..fickle opiate (9:43:41 PM): i mean, i cannot just all of a sudden make exceptions because then everyone would want tofickle opiate (9:43:45 PM): and i don;t want thatfickle opiate (9:43:49 PM): don't*thatgothicchick (9:44:56 PM): well you'd be surprised that some other people aren't exactly happy with their roles eitherthatgothicchick (9:45:04 PM): that's why I thought a trade would workfickle opiate (9:45:33 PM): i know they rnt, and it doesnt suprise me, but i am not going to change thingsthatgothicchick (9:46:40 PM): but don't you think that people wont be doing things to the best of their ability if they are unhappyfickle opiate (9:46:49 PM): mehthatgothicchick (9:46:54 PM): I'm not asking you to bend over backwards, that's why I thought of a solutionfickle opiate (9:47:43 PM): but you see, in my sight, i do not see what i want coming true, to begin with, this was supposed to be an acting class, and i made things easier for ppl, but in all, this is so i can make some sort of a dream come true, and i am not willing to change itthatgothicchick (9:48:48 PM): well ya know, dreams bend because I know this is your special dream but we are a class that works together as a group and not as an individual bending ot their every commandfickle opiate (9:49:29 PM): this is only your words being spoken from your discontent, and i know that others are more willing to bend than you have expressedthatgothicchick (9:50:03 PM): well I'd be perfectly willing to bend just fine if I didn't dislike my previous part so much and feel like the leftovers to fill the extra rolesfickle opiate (9:50:31 PM): well that is basically what you made yourself by disagreeing with the first onefickle opiate (9:50:46 PM): i mean, you always have the dark feeling towards something and that is not my faultthatgothicchick (9:50:47 PM): I didn't choose to be tweedle dumthatgothicchick (9:50:56 PM): no, this is different danielfickle opiate (9:50:56 PM): i know you didntthatgothicchick (9:51:08 PM): it's not like the regular things that I usually feelthatgothicchick (9:51:14 PM): I am very unhappy with the partthatgothicchick (9:51:27 PM): if I was any less unhappy I would have kept my mouth shut and kept with itthatgothicchick (9:51:36 PM): but I spoke up in hope of making things betterthatgothicchick (9:51:39 PM): I wanted to helpfickle opiate (9:51:41 PM): well i am sorryfickle opiate (9:52:19 PM): well i am aware, but the matter at hand is not what to do to help, though i do appreciate your input alot, and thank you for it, i still will stick to my previous planthatgothicchick (9:53:03 PM): that what am I supposed to do?thatgothicchick (9:53:07 PM): quite drama?fickle opiate (9:53:13 PM): what?thatgothicchick (9:53:18 PM): quit^thatgothicchick (9:53:37 PM): because I canfickle opiate (9:53:40 PM): i told you i would make you a part, but it would have to be smaller than tweedledee was because i am getting so close to the endfickle opiate (9:53:52 PM): now you're acting irrationallythatgothicchick (9:53:57 PM): am Ifickle opiate (9:54:18 PM): yes, i mean, what are you so amgry about?fickle opiate (9:54:23 PM): angry*fickle opiate (9:54:41 PM): this is not my problem that i have to rewrite a piece for youthatgothicchick (9:54:57 PM): I'm unhappy, because I'm trying to go with the flow but it seems like I can't be moderately happy and make everyone else happy toofickle opiate (9:55:04 PM): at least i am willing to do that much for you amanda, why would you just be so cynical and overreactive about it?thatgothicchick (9:55:43 PM): if I was overreacting about it daniel, i would be screaming and pounding and tantruming, I would be demanding and be more stubbornfickle opiate (9:55:48 PM): if i were spooner i would not have done this muchthatgothicchick (9:55:56 PM): well you're not danielthatgothicchick (9:56:00 PM): she's different than youthatgothicchick (9:56:03 PM): very differentfickle opiate (9:56:05 PM): exactlyfickle opiate (9:56:15 PM): so why are you being so mad at me for doing more than she wouldthatgothicchick (9:56:29 PM): she would have gone about it differentlythatgothicchick (9:56:44 PM): at least she let people choose what they wanted to be and have a chance to get a part that they wantedthatgothicchick (9:56:54 PM): she let people try outfickle opiate (9:56:57 PM): you;re being pickythatgothicchick (9:56:58 PM): that's what she would have donefickle opiate (9:57:01 PM): you're*thatgothicchick (9:57:17 PM): well it was the first thing to come to mind, and ya know what danielthatgothicchick (9:57:46 PM): I would strongly suggest that you slow yourself down on pointing out all of my flaws, you are certainly not perfect yourselfthatgothicchick (9:57:56 PM): you aren't, you try to be, but you aren't, and you never willthatgothicchick (9:57:57 PM): neverfickle opiate (9:58:01 PM): i am very aware of this amandathatgothicchick (9:58:14 PM): and I have tried harder than I ever remember trying to make you and the other people of the group happy by changingfickle opiate (9:58:22 PM): amanda, fuck this, sorry for making you so madthatgothicchick (9:58:23 PM): changing how I am, not complaining as you call itfickle opiate (9:58:26 PM): goodnightthatgothicchick (9:58:35 PM): you're not sorryfickle opiate (9:58:45 PM): no i am, but you choose not to see itfickle opiate (9:59:03 PM): see what you like, be unhappy, nothing i can do will change itthatgothicchick (9:59:05 PM): why can't you just accept me for who I amthatgothicchick (9:59:09 PM): this is how I amfickle opiate (9:59:13 PM): i can and i amthatgothicchick (9:59:27 PM): if you did you wouldn't be telling me all the things that are wrong with mefickle opiate (9:59:28 PM): but amanda, you always say you hate who you are basicallythatgothicchick (9:59:41 PM): that is my own problemthatgothicchick (9:59:50 PM): friends are supposed to be supportive and acceptingfickle opiate (9:59:54 PM): amanda....wtf,. this isnt about all of thatthatgothicchick (10:00:02 PM): well you led it therefickle opiate (10:00:08 PM): this was about the playthatgothicchick (10:00:11 PM): yeahfickle opiate (10:00:12 PM): and no i didnt, you didfickle opiate (10:00:25 PM): you began pointing fingers and such and saying all this shit about who isnt perfect herefickle opiate (10:00:30 PM): i didnt even begin to do thisfickle opiate (10:00:35 PM): i just said you were being pickythatgothicchick (10:00:41 PM): well you were the one who keeps telling me what a horrible person I amthatgothicchick (10:00:52 PM): how am I being picky?thatgothicchick (10:01:04 PM): and even if I am which I know I am, that's what i am, this is how I've beenfickle opiate (10:01:09 PM): about the part, that was it, and how have i been telling you how "horrible" you arethatgothicchick (10:01:50 PM): well you seem to have no problem pointing out what it wrong with me and how I go about thingsthatgothicchick (10:02:10 PM): I'm going about them in the way that I am thinking about everyone else in how I'm considering possible solutionsthatgothicchick (10:02:23 PM): you have no idea how guilty and crappy I feel about even speaking up about itfickle opiate (10:02:23 PM): i said thank you amandafickle opiate (10:02:31 PM): what the hell is wrong?fickle opiate (10:02:42 PM): I SAID THANK YOU!fickle opiate (10:02:49 PM): what more were you wanting?thatgothicchick (10:03:30 PM): I want a chance to be me and I want to do what I joined the class forthatgothicchick (10:03:34 PM): I want to actfickle opiate (10:03:43 PM): you were able to amanda, you still arefickle opiate (10:03:54 PM): you havn't even given me a chance to write itfickle opiate (10:04:07 PM): and quite frankly, this did not help my view of this situationthatgothicchick (10:04:22 PM): how sothatgothicchick (10:04:43 PM): are you blinded by your own rage at how I have destroyed your dream? because I never meant to do thatthatgothicchick (10:04:48 PM): that's what I tried to avoidfickle opiate (10:05:05 PM): you have stirred some rather angry at how all of a sudden this became the finger pointing gamefickle opiate (10:05:11 PM): and how you are so easily stirred at mefickle opiate (10:05:36 PM): yea, i am not perfect but FUKIN A!thatgothicchick (10:05:36 PM): not really, I would be fueding with anyone else who was in your placefickle opiate (10:05:55 PM): this was all just plain out dumb to mefickle opiate (10:06:01 PM): bickering just annoys methatgothicchick (10:06:09 PM): well I never meant it to be like this okayfickle opiate (10:06:14 PM): I HAVE ENOUGH DRAMA AT HOME THANK YOU!fickle opiate (10:06:25 PM): anamda, you were just telling me all this shit about me being so bad to youthatgothicchick (10:06:56 PM): what does that have to do with this?thatgothicchick (10:07:04 PM): I'm sorry you have drama at homethatgothicchick (10:07:05 PM): kthatgothicchick (10:07:13 PM): I'm there whenever you wanna talk or anythingthatgothicchick (10:07:16 PM): I always have beenthatgothicchick (10:07:19 PM): but that's beside the pointfickle opiate (10:08:07 PM): what does it have to do with this? the fact that all of this drama about drama just arose......ya know what? nevermind all of this, i am going to go now, i will see you tomarrow at school, sleep well and i do not plan on talking about this tomarrowfickle opiate (10:08:18 PM): i will come up with a solution with azaleathatgothicchick (10:08:42 PM): and force it on me?fickle opiate (10:08:48 PM): goodnight and Godblessfickle opiate (10:09:03 PM): if you don't want it, make miss spooner stop me from doing the playthatgothicchick (10:09:17 PM): don't be a control freak daneilfickle opiate (10:09:21 PM): because you went about this the wrong way tonightthatgothicchick (10:09:33 PM): punishing me for being methatgothicchick (10:09:36 PM): *sigh*fickle opiate (10:09:42 PM): my control is not m focus, the fact that in the beginning you wanted to help is greatthatgothicchick (10:09:43 PM): I expected jsut thatfickle opiate (10:09:55 PM): but now, this. all of this is just stupidfickle opiate (10:10:07 PM): expect what you want, but dont expect much from me, i am not perfectthatgothicchick (10:10:11 PM): turning away because you see no solution?thatgothicchick (10:10:18 PM): no one is perfect danielfickle opiate (10:10:21 PM): exactlythatgothicchick (10:10:23 PM): I don't expectthatgothicchick (10:10:24 PM): I askfickle opiate (10:10:25 PM): so dont expect from pplthatgothicchick (10:10:29 PM): I don't,fickle opiate (10:10:33 PM): no, you just told me you epxpectedfickle opiate (10:10:43 PM): no, im done with thisfickle opiate (10:10:44 PM): enoughfickle opiate (10:10:50 PM): enouhgenoughenoughenoughthatgothicchick (10:10:53 PM): meaning I knew you were going to throw it back at me for being myself when I arguefickle opiate (10:10:54 PM): done and throughthatgothicchick (10:11:06 PM): you can't just run away from this danielfickle opiate (10:11:17 PM): im not, i am leaving the drama at the door, where it belongsthatgothicchick (10:11:19 PM): there are solutionsthatgothicchick (10:11:35 PM): well we can talk about this perfectly calmlyfickle opiate (10:11:37 PM): yes, and i am the one in chanrge of making them right now, me and azeleathatgothicchick (10:11:40 PM): it just got out of handfickle opiate (10:11:45 PM): yes it didthatgothicchick (10:11:46 PM): and leavign me out?thatgothicchick (10:11:53 PM): I don't get much say in what happens to me?fickle opiate (10:11:54 PM): and it made my mindset changefickle opiate (10:12:13 PM): you can choose to leave the class or choke it up and take it, i mean, i am not going to stick you with a shitty partfickle opiate (10:12:20 PM): i will cater to your demands amandafickle opiate (10:12:25 PM): just leave it at thatthatgothicchick (10:12:26 PM): I demand nothingfickle opiate (10:12:44 PM): i am not going to let you have someone elses part, me and azalea already worked this out perfectlythatgothicchick (10:12:54 PM): well it ain't perfect hunfickle opiate (10:12:56 PM): we even worked out the nightsthatgothicchick (10:13:07 PM): if it was perfect then everyone would be happyfickle opiate (10:13:12 PM): we even worked out who to not have with youfickle opiate (10:13:18 PM): so sorrythatgothicchick (10:13:20 PM): and I appreciate tahtthatgothicchick (10:13:29 PM): but I will not sit in the trash and stay therefickle opiate (10:13:48 PM): you're views of the trash are anything that you did not have a say infickle opiate (10:13:56 PM): LIFE aint gonna cater to you all the timethatgothicchick (10:14:05 PM): well from what you say, it's either trash or teh doorfickle opiate (10:14:10 PM): so i guess until you see it, you will not learn to find happyness in other thingsthatgothicchick (10:14:19 PM): I fucking know that daniel, life has rarely ever catered to mefickle opiate (10:14:24 PM): it ISNT trash, i told you thatthatgothicchick (10:14:33 PM): I was happy until we got into this playthatgothicchick (10:14:38 PM): you didn't notice did you?thatgothicchick (10:14:45 PM): then what is it?thatgothicchick (10:14:52 PM): tweedly dumfickle opiate (10:14:56 PM): A FUCKING PART!!!!thatgothicchick (10:15:11 PM): one that I did not want and would never try out forfickle opiate signed off at 10:15:14 PM. thatgothicchick (10:16:45 PM): you think you know me so well danielPrevious message was not received by fickle opiate because of error (10:16:45 PM): User fickle opiate is not available.yup, that's his aim name. Amanda said she was going to bitch him out next time he comes online. Hopefully Dustin will be online and I can get him to use his kicking program to keep kicking Daniel offline. It wouldn't accomplish much but it would make me a little happier. Though I doubt that it would help much.

...

today I was recalling a whole bunch of old things that I had. I found some old pics that I made or had. I put one of them up as the background on my journal and it will probably stay that way. I had one pic that I took from my exboyfriend that I used for the back that I liked but I think this one works better to represent me. I took a buncha pics with my webcam today. Just funny pics that had to do with role playing and stuff. One more un-medicated peaceful moment. I was testing out new methods of photoshop stuff. more spellcasting with the scary lightbulb lol, I look like ravenspellcasting is fun when you have a lamp to help you :)just my lightning globe aloneCompletely unedited believe it or not. The electric energy made it feel kinda like I was chi-ing.My keyboardheh heh, good times, an archive from my site

much better

I fixed up the journal for now, to fit my liking. No harlequin's penguins this time I guess. I like how it looks, I'll change it later probably and add my overrides. I don't know what i"ll have it say this time... Myabe I should just stick with "Tell my I'm wrong, and # corrections" again. I could change it though. whatever works. I like the little dragons. Plus there are tons more people on here with similar interests to me. It's nice.