I feel so shitty right now

I don't think I've felt this level of despair since I was with Gianni, I haven't contemplated suicide since then, I haven't cried this much. Don't worry, I'm not going to kill myself. But you know I wish I could disappear right now. And I can honestly say that I think that maybe if I just went away or disappeared that my friends would be a lot happier and things would be good. I wish I could move away and find better friend who would value me and my opinion. Maybe find someone who would give a shit... I feel so alone right now. Why hasn't someone killed me by now? it would be in mercy. thatgothicchick (9:30:37 PM): hellofickle opiate (9:31:00 PM): heythatgothicchick (9:31:09 PM): how are you?fickle opiate (9:31:26 PM): fine, and youthatgothicchick (9:31:41 PM): pretty good, still tired and achy but ya know, it's all goodfickle opiate (9:32:00 PM): mehfickle opiate (9:32:01 PM): hehethatgothicchick (9:32:13 PM): how was class?fickle opiate (9:32:46 PM): dumb, it was an examthatgothicchick (9:33:14 PM): aww, I'm sorryfickle opiate (9:33:32 PM): mehfickle opiate (9:33:36 PM): dun carethatgothicchick (9:35:15 PM): well, anywaysthatgothicchick (9:35:20 PM): lets talk about the playfickle opiate (9:36:28 PM): okfickle opiate (9:36:32 PM): wut do ya wanna knowfickle opiate (9:37:22 PM): helo?thatgothicchick (9:37:51 PM): well it's more of a discuss than knowthatgothicchick (9:38:33 PM): I was thinking about how I still don't ahve a partthatgothicchick (9:38:48 PM): and I feel really guilty if you wrote a part jsut to fit me in at the end or somethingthatgothicchick (9:38:54 PM): so I dunno what to dothatgothicchick (9:38:58 PM): because I really like the playthatgothicchick (9:39:01 PM): and want to be in itthatgothicchick (9:39:15 PM): but it seems like every possible way out includes tons of guilt that I feelfickle opiate (9:40:25 PM): well truely amanda, i did not have the intention to write another part for you, i thought that since you didn't take it like everyone else, that i mean, i wasn't gonna go way out of my way just for you, but i have to, per miss spooners request, and i will, but i cannot say it is going to be large considering all that i have already done, i am sorrythatgothicchick (9:41:04 PM): I know, I didn't expect you to write something extra nor did I really want you tothatgothicchick (9:41:09 PM): but I just don't know what to dothatgothicchick (9:41:16 PM): I was takling to raquel about it todaythatgothicchick (9:41:37 PM): she suggested that I just tell you if there were any parts that I liked and then I could talk to the people who had them and offer up a trade or somethingfickle opiate (9:42:03 PM): well considering i already cast those that fit best into the parts, nope, i mean, i am sorryfickle opiate (9:42:24 PM): but that is just how this one is going to go, i was going to make you a knight of some sort in the Queens brigadethatgothicchick (9:43:03 PM): oh..fickle opiate (9:43:41 PM): i mean, i cannot just all of a sudden make exceptions because then everyone would want tofickle opiate (9:43:45 PM): and i don;t want thatfickle opiate (9:43:49 PM): don't*thatgothicchick (9:44:56 PM): well you'd be surprised that some other people aren't exactly happy with their roles eitherthatgothicchick (9:45:04 PM): that's why I thought a trade would workfickle opiate (9:45:33 PM): i know they rnt, and it doesnt suprise me, but i am not going to change thingsthatgothicchick (9:46:40 PM): but don't you think that people wont be doing things to the best of their ability if they are unhappyfickle opiate (9:46:49 PM): mehthatgothicchick (9:46:54 PM): I'm not asking you to bend over backwards, that's why I thought of a solutionfickle opiate (9:47:43 PM): but you see, in my sight, i do not see what i want coming true, to begin with, this was supposed to be an acting class, and i made things easier for ppl, but in all, this is so i can make some sort of a dream come true, and i am not willing to change itthatgothicchick (9:48:48 PM): well ya know, dreams bend because I know this is your special dream but we are a class that works together as a group and not as an individual bending ot their every commandfickle opiate (9:49:29 PM): this is only your words being spoken from your discontent, and i know that others are more willing to bend than you have expressedthatgothicchick (9:50:03 PM): well I'd be perfectly willing to bend just fine if I didn't dislike my previous part so much and feel like the leftovers to fill the extra rolesfickle opiate (9:50:31 PM): well that is basically what you made yourself by disagreeing with the first onefickle opiate (9:50:46 PM): i mean, you always have the dark feeling towards something and that is not my faultthatgothicchick (9:50:47 PM): I didn't choose to be tweedle dumthatgothicchick (9:50:56 PM): no, this is different danielfickle opiate (9:50:56 PM): i know you didntthatgothicchick (9:51:08 PM): it's not like the regular things that I usually feelthatgothicchick (9:51:14 PM): I am very unhappy with the partthatgothicchick (9:51:27 PM): if I was any less unhappy I would have kept my mouth shut and kept with itthatgothicchick (9:51:36 PM): but I spoke up in hope of making things betterthatgothicchick (9:51:39 PM): I wanted to helpfickle opiate (9:51:41 PM): well i am sorryfickle opiate (9:52:19 PM): well i am aware, but the matter at hand is not what to do to help, though i do appreciate your input alot, and thank you for it, i still will stick to my previous planthatgothicchick (9:53:03 PM): that what am I supposed to do?thatgothicchick (9:53:07 PM): quite drama?fickle opiate (9:53:13 PM): what?thatgothicchick (9:53:18 PM): quit^thatgothicchick (9:53:37 PM): because I canfickle opiate (9:53:40 PM): i told you i would make you a part, but it would have to be smaller than tweedledee was because i am getting so close to the endfickle opiate (9:53:52 PM): now you're acting irrationallythatgothicchick (9:53:57 PM): am Ifickle opiate (9:54:18 PM): yes, i mean, what are you so amgry about?fickle opiate (9:54:23 PM): angry*fickle opiate (9:54:41 PM): this is not my problem that i have to rewrite a piece for youthatgothicchick (9:54:57 PM): I'm unhappy, because I'm trying to go with the flow but it seems like I can't be moderately happy and make everyone else happy toofickle opiate (9:55:04 PM): at least i am willing to do that much for you amanda, why would you just be so cynical and overreactive about it?thatgothicchick (9:55:43 PM): if I was overreacting about it daniel, i would be screaming and pounding and tantruming, I would be demanding and be more stubbornfickle opiate (9:55:48 PM): if i were spooner i would not have done this muchthatgothicchick (9:55:56 PM): well you're not danielthatgothicchick (9:56:00 PM): she's different than youthatgothicchick (9:56:03 PM): very differentfickle opiate (9:56:05 PM): exactlyfickle opiate (9:56:15 PM): so why are you being so mad at me for doing more than she wouldthatgothicchick (9:56:29 PM): she would have gone about it differentlythatgothicchick (9:56:44 PM): at least she let people choose what they wanted to be and have a chance to get a part that they wantedthatgothicchick (9:56:54 PM): she let people try outfickle opiate (9:56:57 PM): you;re being pickythatgothicchick (9:56:58 PM): that's what she would have donefickle opiate (9:57:01 PM): you're*thatgothicchick (9:57:17 PM): well it was the first thing to come to mind, and ya know what danielthatgothicchick (9:57:46 PM): I would strongly suggest that you slow yourself down on pointing out all of my flaws, you are certainly not perfect yourselfthatgothicchick (9:57:56 PM): you aren't, you try to be, but you aren't, and you never willthatgothicchick (9:57:57 PM): neverfickle opiate (9:58:01 PM): i am very aware of this amandathatgothicchick (9:58:14 PM): and I have tried harder than I ever remember trying to make you and the other people of the group happy by changingfickle opiate (9:58:22 PM): amanda, fuck this, sorry for making you so madthatgothicchick (9:58:23 PM): changing how I am, not complaining as you call itfickle opiate (9:58:26 PM): goodnightthatgothicchick (9:58:35 PM): you're not sorryfickle opiate (9:58:45 PM): no i am, but you choose not to see itfickle opiate (9:59:03 PM): see what you like, be unhappy, nothing i can do will change itthatgothicchick (9:59:05 PM): why can't you just accept me for who I amthatgothicchick (9:59:09 PM): this is how I amfickle opiate (9:59:13 PM): i can and i amthatgothicchick (9:59:27 PM): if you did you wouldn't be telling me all the things that are wrong with mefickle opiate (9:59:28 PM): but amanda, you always say you hate who you are basicallythatgothicchick (9:59:41 PM): that is my own problemthatgothicchick (9:59:50 PM): friends are supposed to be supportive and acceptingfickle opiate (9:59:54 PM): amanda....wtf,. this isnt about all of thatthatgothicchick (10:00:02 PM): well you led it therefickle opiate (10:00:08 PM): this was about the playthatgothicchick (10:00:11 PM): yeahfickle opiate (10:00:12 PM): and no i didnt, you didfickle opiate (10:00:25 PM): you began pointing fingers and such and saying all this shit about who isnt perfect herefickle opiate (10:00:30 PM): i didnt even begin to do thisfickle opiate (10:00:35 PM): i just said you were being pickythatgothicchick (10:00:41 PM): well you were the one who keeps telling me what a horrible person I amthatgothicchick (10:00:52 PM): how am I being picky?thatgothicchick (10:01:04 PM): and even if I am which I know I am, that's what i am, this is how I've beenfickle opiate (10:01:09 PM): about the part, that was it, and how have i been telling you how "horrible" you arethatgothicchick (10:01:50 PM): well you seem to have no problem pointing out what it wrong with me and how I go about thingsthatgothicchick (10:02:10 PM): I'm going about them in the way that I am thinking about everyone else in how I'm considering possible solutionsthatgothicchick (10:02:23 PM): you have no idea how guilty and crappy I feel about even speaking up about itfickle opiate (10:02:23 PM): i said thank you amandafickle opiate (10:02:31 PM): what the hell is wrong?fickle opiate (10:02:42 PM): I SAID THANK YOU!fickle opiate (10:02:49 PM): what more were you wanting?thatgothicchick (10:03:30 PM): I want a chance to be me and I want to do what I joined the class forthatgothicchick (10:03:34 PM): I want to actfickle opiate (10:03:43 PM): you were able to amanda, you still arefickle opiate (10:03:54 PM): you havn't even given me a chance to write itfickle opiate (10:04:07 PM): and quite frankly, this did not help my view of this situationthatgothicchick (10:04:22 PM): how sothatgothicchick (10:04:43 PM): are you blinded by your own rage at how I have destroyed your dream? because I never meant to do thatthatgothicchick (10:04:48 PM): that's what I tried to avoidfickle opiate (10:05:05 PM): you have stirred some rather angry at how all of a sudden this became the finger pointing gamefickle opiate (10:05:11 PM): and how you are so easily stirred at mefickle opiate (10:05:36 PM): yea, i am not perfect but FUKIN A!thatgothicchick (10:05:36 PM): not really, I would be fueding with anyone else who was in your placefickle opiate (10:05:55 PM): this was all just plain out dumb to mefickle opiate (10:06:01 PM): bickering just annoys methatgothicchick (10:06:09 PM): well I never meant it to be like this okayfickle opiate (10:06:14 PM): I HAVE ENOUGH DRAMA AT HOME THANK YOU!fickle opiate (10:06:25 PM): anamda, you were just telling me all this shit about me being so bad to youthatgothicchick (10:06:56 PM): what does that have to do with this?thatgothicchick (10:07:04 PM): I'm sorry you have drama at homethatgothicchick (10:07:05 PM): kthatgothicchick (10:07:13 PM): I'm there whenever you wanna talk or anythingthatgothicchick (10:07:16 PM): I always have beenthatgothicchick (10:07:19 PM): but that's beside the pointfickle opiate (10:08:07 PM): what does it have to do with this? the fact that all of this drama about drama just arose......ya know what? nevermind all of this, i am going to go now, i will see you tomarrow at school, sleep well and i do not plan on talking about this tomarrowfickle opiate (10:08:18 PM): i will come up with a solution with azaleathatgothicchick (10:08:42 PM): and force it on me?fickle opiate (10:08:48 PM): goodnight and Godblessfickle opiate (10:09:03 PM): if you don't want it, make miss spooner stop me from doing the playthatgothicchick (10:09:17 PM): don't be a control freak daneilfickle opiate (10:09:21 PM): because you went about this the wrong way tonightthatgothicchick (10:09:33 PM): punishing me for being methatgothicchick (10:09:36 PM): *sigh*fickle opiate (10:09:42 PM): my control is not m focus, the fact that in the beginning you wanted to help is greatthatgothicchick (10:09:43 PM): I expected jsut thatfickle opiate (10:09:55 PM): but now, this. all of this is just stupidfickle opiate (10:10:07 PM): expect what you want, but dont expect much from me, i am not perfectthatgothicchick (10:10:11 PM): turning away because you see no solution?thatgothicchick (10:10:18 PM): no one is perfect danielfickle opiate (10:10:21 PM): exactlythatgothicchick (10:10:23 PM): I don't expectthatgothicchick (10:10:24 PM): I askfickle opiate (10:10:25 PM): so dont expect from pplthatgothicchick (10:10:29 PM): I don't,fickle opiate (10:10:33 PM): no, you just told me you epxpectedfickle opiate (10:10:43 PM): no, im done with thisfickle opiate (10:10:44 PM): enoughfickle opiate (10:10:50 PM): enouhgenoughenoughenoughthatgothicchick (10:10:53 PM): meaning I knew you were going to throw it back at me for being myself when I arguefickle opiate (10:10:54 PM): done and throughthatgothicchick (10:11:06 PM): you can't just run away from this danielfickle opiate (10:11:17 PM): im not, i am leaving the drama at the door, where it belongsthatgothicchick (10:11:19 PM): there are solutionsthatgothicchick (10:11:35 PM): well we can talk about this perfectly calmlyfickle opiate (10:11:37 PM): yes, and i am the one in chanrge of making them right now, me and azeleathatgothicchick (10:11:40 PM): it just got out of handfickle opiate (10:11:45 PM): yes it didthatgothicchick (10:11:46 PM): and leavign me out?thatgothicchick (10:11:53 PM): I don't get much say in what happens to me?fickle opiate (10:11:54 PM): and it made my mindset changefickle opiate (10:12:13 PM): you can choose to leave the class or choke it up and take it, i mean, i am not going to stick you with a shitty partfickle opiate (10:12:20 PM): i will cater to your demands amandafickle opiate (10:12:25 PM): just leave it at thatthatgothicchick (10:12:26 PM): I demand nothingfickle opiate (10:12:44 PM): i am not going to let you have someone elses part, me and azalea already worked this out perfectlythatgothicchick (10:12:54 PM): well it ain't perfect hunfickle opiate (10:12:56 PM): we even worked out the nightsthatgothicchick (10:13:07 PM): if it was perfect then everyone would be happyfickle opiate (10:13:12 PM): we even worked out who to not have with youfickle opiate (10:13:18 PM): so sorrythatgothicchick (10:13:20 PM): and I appreciate tahtthatgothicchick (10:13:29 PM): but I will not sit in the trash and stay therefickle opiate (10:13:48 PM): you're views of the trash are anything that you did not have a say infickle opiate (10:13:56 PM): LIFE aint gonna cater to you all the timethatgothicchick (10:14:05 PM): well from what you say, it's either trash or teh doorfickle opiate (10:14:10 PM): so i guess until you see it, you will not learn to find happyness in other thingsthatgothicchick (10:14:19 PM): I fucking know that daniel, life has rarely ever catered to mefickle opiate (10:14:24 PM): it ISNT trash, i told you thatthatgothicchick (10:14:33 PM): I was happy until we got into this playthatgothicchick (10:14:38 PM): you didn't notice did you?thatgothicchick (10:14:45 PM): then what is it?thatgothicchick (10:14:52 PM): tweedly dumfickle opiate (10:14:56 PM): A FUCKING PART!!!!thatgothicchick (10:15:11 PM): one that I did not want and would never try out forfickle opiate signed off at 10:15:14 PM. thatgothicchick (10:16:45 PM): you think you know me so well danielPrevious message was not received by fickle opiate because of error (10:16:45 PM): User fickle opiate is not available.yup, that's his aim name. Amanda said she was going to bitch him out next time he comes online. Hopefully Dustin will be online and I can get him to use his kicking program to keep kicking Daniel offline. It wouldn't accomplish much but it would make me a little happier. Though I doubt that it would help much.